I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
5th July 2004 broadcast

The Venue:

The Lowry Centre, Salford, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jeremy Hardy

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

First I notice from the listener reaction matchbox that we've received well under three letters this week. It comes from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Gaddafi, you must be very proud; it's not every duck that becomes president. Yours in haste, Mrs Trellis.

OK teams, this week we'll be playing according to the Hackney Carriage Society Rule Book in which players must actively demonstrate a knowledge of "The Knowledge" by explaining their route plan between each move, plus any other relevant information. So, U-turns count double, airports triple, and south of the river is out of bounds. Right, Tim, you can start.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'd love to, but I'm afraid I'm just going home. But for you, Mr Lyttelton, uh, Russell Square.

BARRY CRYER:

Russell Square? Right, er, Strand, The Strand, .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah?

BARRY CRYER:

What, no, what-, what I-, no, you-, you do a little "U"-ey, then when you've felt better you get back in the cab, use the back-doubles, I admit you-, you're a bit naughty up a one-way, along the river.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Right, through The Savoy Grill, out the front: Strand!

JEREMY HARDY:

Uh-hum, Heathrow.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Fair enough, you can now. You can now, that's triple.

JEREMY HARDY:

Yeah! 'cause you can fly there.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ermmm .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'm not sure you can fly, can you?

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, not in a-

BARRY CRYER:

No.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Not in a hackney carriage.

JEREMY HARDY:

If you believe, you can fly.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Graeme, carry on, your turn.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes! Heathrow, erm. Well, from Heathrow you've got to go to Staines, haven't you, really?

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Staines.

BARRY CRYER:

That's after the 'uey.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Staines.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, but you've got to tell us how you got there. And it's not by plane, I'll tell you.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, straight there, it's just one move. There's no fiddling about, just straight there: Staines!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What about the roadworks?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's a good point.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yeah, he, mmm-

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, what about them?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Well, they-, you-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You can't go directly.

JEREMY HARDY:

Can't go directly.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

There's Terminal 5. All that building there.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's true, isn't it?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mmm.

GRAEME GARDEN:

So it's not Staines straight away in one move .....

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's all right, they've finished the roadworks. (audience applause)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Erm, Kensington Church Street. It's-, it's all right, I can go in the bus and taxi lane.

BARRY CRYER:

Kensington Church Street?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yep.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Conjestion charge there, isn't it?

BARRY CRYER:

Well-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Not-, not for us, erm, .....

BARRY CRYER:

No.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Incidentally, I had that, er, Barry Cryer in the back of my cab the other night.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR and BARRY CRYER together:

Kept doing 'ueys!

BARRY CRYER:

Erm, Kensington Church Street, Birdcage Walk.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yep.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

How?

BARRY CRYER:

Bayswater Road .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

..... back-doubles, through three parks, .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes.

BARRY CRYER:

..... Birdcage Walk!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

St James's Park.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I don't think you're meant to drive on the grass, though, are you?

BARRY CRYER:

No, I'm-, it's on the pathway, it's all right.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Right, OK.

JEREMY HARDY:

Erm, Piccadilly. A5 to the M1, straight up to the M40, M42, M6: Piccadilly. (audience applause) Oh, you mean the London one! Well I'm sorry, it's too late, I've set the meter now!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Actually you're out of bounds.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's true.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Carry on, Graeme.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What? W-, Staines.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh!

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh!

JEREMY HARDY:

Right in!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Didn't see that coming!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens at Russell Square;
• Barry Cryer provides the most back-doubles and goes naughty up a one-way;
• Jeremy Hardy believes he can fly, scoring triple at Heathrow;
• Graeme Garden makes Staines;
• Jeremy goes way out of bounds to Piccadilly, Manchester;
• Graeme makes Staines again;
• Tim declares Mornington Crescent.