I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
13th December 2004 broadcast

The Venue:

Anvil Theatre, Basingstoke, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Linda Smith

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

First I notice from the listener reaction in-tray that we've received a little over no letters this week. It comes from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales, she writes- (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Watchdog, am I alone in receiving so much junk mail? Can these people not get it into their thick heads I do not want a Chinese boat? Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

Stupid old bat.

Now today's-

BARRY CRYER:

Oh-h, "Junk"!! Ha-ha-ha!! Ah.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Now today's version of the game promises to be a real spectacle as this time the teams will be playing Living Mornington Crescent during which they will have to manoeuvre themselves physically around a large and fully illustrated map. So, teams, if you would care to take your shoes off now, please. Thank you. As you'd expect it's Standard Metropolitan Rules as defined by Norton's Third Convention, therefore blocking is NOT allowed, southern approach routes are out of bounds, and the pokeholder always plays advantage.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Did you say blocking was allowed?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

NOT allowed.

LINDA SMITH:

Not allowed. Can't stress that too much, Tim.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I can't. My voice has gone. Tim, will you start, please?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Erm, Marylebone High Street.

BARRY CRYER:

Cleveland Street.

LINDA SMITH:

Gants Hill?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Graeme.

GRAEME GARDEN:

I'm not going all the way over there!

LINDA SMITH:

Well, unless you do you-, you'll be-

GRAEME GARDEN:

I know, erm.

LINDA SMITH:

You'll be approaching me from the south.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Hang on a minute. (very faint and distant) White City!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

(distant with slight echo) Portobello Road!

LINDA SMITH:

Ooh.

BARRY CRYER:

(hoarse shout) Shoot up Hill!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

What'd you say?

BARRY CRYER:

Shoot up Hill.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Is that some drug reference?

LINDA SMITH:

(very faint and distant, almost inaudible) Harlesden!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Alone, eh? We can do that; Norton's. If we're playing Norton's. Yeah, we'll do one score. One score, two-, that's yours.

BARRY CRYER:

You can do it, yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Earl's Court. Earl's Court.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Southampton Row.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What? Oh no, hang on, not Earl's Court then. (close up and resonant) Arnos Grove.

LINDA SMITH:

Ooh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Highbury.

BARRY CRYER:

Highbury, Highbury. Hey, wait a minute. (loud and clear) Berkeley Square.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's a southern approach.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes, it is, it's a southern approach.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Southern approach, Baz. (audience 'oooh')

BARRY CRYER:

You what?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's a southern approach.

GRAEME GARDEN:

You're blocking his southern approach, that's not allowed, it's out of bounds.

LINDA SMITH:

And he's the pokeholder!

BARRY CRYER:

I'm not blocking him! Adjudication please, Humph.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I've forgotton what it was-, what-, I don't know what-, I've forgotton what happened so, er ..... carry on. (audience applause) Go on, Linda.

LINDA SMITH:

Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens up on Marylebone High Street;
• Barry Cryer plays a personal favourite: Cleveland Street;
• Linda Smith continues all the way over to Gants Hill;
• Graeme Garden brings play back to White City;
• Barry shoots up from Portobello Road to Shoot up Hill;
• Graeme gets away with changing his mind about a move to Earl's Court from Harlesden;
• From Earl's Court, Tim had attempted a personal favourite: Southampton Row;
• Barry plays out of bounds, blocking the southern approach;
• Linda declares Mornington Crescent.