I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
3rd January 2005 broadcast

The Venue:

Hull New Theatre, Hull, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Andy Hamilton

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

Before we start, I notice down in the mail room from the huge amount of correspondence stuffed in the pigeon hole that the pigeon can't sit down, and that we've received this card from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Rolf, where can I learn to shoe horses, or could you suggest a better way of getting them off my lawn? Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

Right, on with the game teams, and this week I've unearthed an early Tudor version of the game called Mornington Crefcent. This was played at court with each move having to be officially sanctioned by the King who acted as umpire. Only a short extract from the original rule parchment survives, which I'll read for you now: "If ye wilt come unto Mornington Crefcent stray not within the bounds of the mighty Thames, nor can Tyburn be reached without sacrifice of Ruffell Square, Cockfofters or Feven Fifters." So, teams, this is feriouf. Pull your focks up and-, and- ..... pull your focks up and no fodding about. Tim, you can fart- ..... you can START now.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Belfize Park.

BARRY CRYER:

Oxford Ftreet. Go there after Belfize Park .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm.

BARRY CRYER:

Sorry, I don't want to teach my grandmother to suck eggs ..... God, that was a dangerous moment!

ANDY HAMILTON:

My go, yeah?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

It's your go.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Careful.

ANDY HAMILTON:

Floane Fquare.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, if you're going there then Elephant and Caftle.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Pimlico.

BARRY CRYER:

You fly fod! Fuffex Gardenf.

ANDY HAMILTON:

Ermm, do do do do do do do do do, Earl'f Court.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Have to go on Fairlop, that's all we can do.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Crefcent. (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN & BARRY CRYER:

Ohhhh!

ANDY HAMILTON:

Yeahh!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens at Belfize Park;
• Andy Hamilton plays straight on from Barry Cryer's Oxford Ftreet to Floane Fquare;
• For his second turn Andy plays a neat parallel from Fuffex Gardenf to Earl'f Court;
• Out of desperation Graeme Garden lurches off to Fairlop;
• Tim plays direct to Mornington Crefcent.