I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
6th June 2005 broadcast

The Venue:

Regent Theatre, Ipswich, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jeremy Hardy

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first! First I notice from the more than twenty thousand envelopes we have received this week, that we've been entered into the Reader's Digest Prize Draw. And, that there's a postcard from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Mandela, that big statue in Trafalgar Square looks nothing like you. Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

And on with game, teams, and in a bid to speed things up I have this week provided you each with the latest satellite navigation technology. So if you would please programme into your SatNav boxes a route from Liverpool Street to Mornington Crescent which takes account of Montague's Second Stationary Ruling, I'd like you to start, please, Tim.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Right. From Liverpool Street? Yes, OK.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

That's what I said, five minutes-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Let me just, ah, set it up.

SATNAV (female computer voice):

Turn right after two hundred yards.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, that's quite helpful. I think that takes me into Goodge Street.

BARRY CRYER:

G-, Goodge?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Goodge.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Goodge .....

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, now, let me see.

SATNAV:

You've got the map upside down.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh. Oh, great, so clever .....

SATNAV:

Shut up and let me concentrate.

BARRY CRYER:

O-kay. OK. Farringdon.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Farringdon?

BARRY CRYER:

Farringdon.

JEREMY HARDY:

Erm .....

SATNAV:

Continue straight when you get to the junction.

JEREMY HARDY:

OK. That's, that's, that's Hyde Park Corner.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, right, we'll go to Oxford Street, I think-

SATNAV:

Please execute a U-turn immediately. This is a one-way street.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh. Erm, Oxford Circus is what I meant. Oxford- Oxford Circus!

SATNAV:

Very funny.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

OK, let's see this bit-

SATNAV:

Carry on after the box junction. No, wait. Yes. Straight ahead. Sorry. I lost my bearings there for a minute.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, pull yourself together.

SATNAV:

I've got a headache.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

All right. So, er, Fairlop. (audience clap)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, Fairlop, yes.

BARRY CRYER:

Fairlop.

BARRY CRYER:

(In Yorkshire accent) Now, if you'll leave me alone I'll sort this out.

SATNAV:

Whoops. That's a Northern Approach, is it not?

BARRY CRYER:

Now, then. Er, let's, er, let's, er .....

SATNAV:

Have you never played this game before?

BARRY CRYER:

Shut up, you. Erm, Bethnal Green.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, that's good.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

JEREMY HARDY:

Erm, er, Turnpike Lane.

SATNAV:

That was fantastic play, Jeremy.

JEREMY HARDY:

Thank you v-, thank you very much indeed.

SATNAV:

I love you, Jeremy.

BARRY CRYER:

Erm-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Bad move!

SATNAV:

I've got a headache.

GRAEME GARDEN:

I think we need to head for Camden Town.

SATNAV:

Turn left

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, that's-

SATNAV:

No, left, left, other left.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, I will, I'll, Ca- Camden Town.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, oh dear, erm, I'll go there.

SATNAV:

Stop!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, all right, no. Erm, Oxford Circus.

BARRY CRYER:

Erm, erm, oh ..... Hackney Central.

SATNAV:

Oh dear. Clumsy play.

JEREMY HARDY:

OK, let's see what she's got to-

SATNAV:

I don't believe it. Did you see that? World Of Leather have got a sale on.

JEREMY HARDY:

Errm. Oh, Fulham Broadway.

SATNAV:

I love you, Jeremy.

JEREMY HARDY:

Not now!

SATNAV:

Please sing to me. Please.

JEREMY HARDY:

No, NO!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, Cockfosters.

SATNAV:

Didn't the Old Man say Montague's Second Stationary Ruling?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes. What's, er, what's wrong with that?

SATNAV:

That's a Northern Approach, is it not?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Er, oh I see, yes, erm ..... oh, er, well, er ....

SATNAV:

No conferring.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh. Belsize Park.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ah! In that case, erm, oh dear, erm, Lower Regent Street?

BARRY CRYER:

Moorgate.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh .....

SATNAV:

You now have to sacrifice Seven Sisters.

BARRY CRYER:

I've got excited again!

SATNAV:

Beware. That is a Vertical Approach.

JEREMY HARDY:

Ooh, Waterloo.

SATNAV:

That was fantastic play, Jeremy.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Trafalgar Square.

SATNAV:

That's it. Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• All of the early moves are on or in the Circle Line;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor is first outside the Circle as he pushes out to Fairlop;
• Barry Cryer, Jeremy Hardy and Graeme Garden all follow with moves outside the Circle;
• Jeremy's play is fantastic;
• Tim brings play back inside at Oxford Circus - a second visit;
• A series of long plays follow;
• Barry's play to Moorgate is clumsy;
• Jeremy goes down at Waterloo;
• Graeme comes back at Trafalgar Square;
• The SatNav box declares Mornington Crescent.