I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
4th July 2005 broadcast

The Venue:

New Theatre, Oxford, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Harry Hill

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the huge pile of correspondence in the listener complaints waste-paper basket, that we've received a letter from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Tarrant, is it true that in Japan you're known as Mr Rack-of-Tarrant? Kind regards, Mrs Trellis.

OK, on with the game and because of Oxford's associations with royalty this week we'll be playing Royal Mornington Crescent, the version made fashionable by Charles II on his visits here. The game can be confusing for those unused to the intricacies of etiquette and basic good manners but here are some useful pointers. Play is strictly in order of social superiority, so in this instance we must start with Tim and end with Barry. It's considered a breach of etiquette for players at the lower end of social order to block, box, reverse or win the game. Royal connections count double but common moves - especially Clapham Common - are frowned upon. Tim, you can start.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Queensway.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Graeme?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, oh, Cheapside.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Harry?

HARRY HILL:

Prwh- Regent Street.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Barry.

BARRY CRYER:

Tooting Common.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Harry-Barry ..... that's Japanese suicide, isn't it?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Green Park

GRAEME GARDEN:

Clapham Comm-, no! Clapham South.

BARRY CRYER:

No, whoa , don't-, don't-

GRAEME GARDEN:

Clapham South.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Sorry, I have to take your first answer.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, right. Well ..... Clapham South.

HARRY HILL:

Chalfont & Latimer. (audience 'oooh')

BARRY CRYER:

Queensway.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ohhh ..... back to where we started.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I think that was a reverse.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, but it's a common reverse, so I don't-, I suppose he is allowed is he?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What, a common reverse?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What other kind of reverse is he likely to do?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, I could do a posh reverse, so that's Queensway.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Barons Court. (audience 'oooh') Yeah, yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

We could do it.

HARRY HILL:

No, it's, er-, I'm out of this one now, I'm all done. No. I came here in good faith, you know, it's-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Come on, young 'un, you can do it.

HARRY HILL:

What's the point? South Harrow. (audience applause)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, very good.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes, very good!

BARRY CRYER:

Cool boy.

HARRY HILL:

Played a hunch.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Very good.

HARRY HILL:

I played a hunch.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ohh.

BARRY CRYER:

I'm boxed!

GRAEME GARDEN:

You are.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Did you know what you were doing? Very good.

BARRY CRYER:

I'm boxed!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, but you were-

BARRY CRYER:

Box, box, cox, cox, Hoxton.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

St. Martin's Lane.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm .....

LITTLE HUMPH:

I see dead people.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Earl's Court.

HARRY HILL:

Mmm. Mmm. Well, if we've had Earl, we've had Baron-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

We haven't had-

HARRY HILL:

Which depends-, which depends which-, the way in those-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

We haven't had Viscount.

HARRY HILL:

Viscount. That's a-, a biscuit, though, isn't it?

LITTLE HUMPH & LITTLE COLIN:

Mornington Crescent!! (audience cheer)

BARRY CRYER:

Yes!

HARRY HILL:

Thank you, Little Humph.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor shows his regal pedigree with a succession of high class moves;
• Graeme Garden recovers from an early lack of class to ascend through the ranks;
• Harry Hill strikes out for the northwest;
• Barry Cryer sticks to common locations or common reverses;
• Little Humph & Little Colin - the true class of the field - declare Mornington Crescent.