I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
21st November 2005 broadcast

The Venue:

The Palladium Theatre, London, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jeremy Hardy

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I hear from the post room that we've received no correspondence at all this week. Not a sausage. But we did receive a sausage last week and it came with this message from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Camilla, where can I buy one of your fine reclining chairs? Yours sincerely, Mrs Trellis.

OK, on with the game, which this week will be played to the famous Argyll Street Parabola, which allows for a maximum of two nudges but only, of course, if the run of play is with the poke holder. Today's trump line is District and Circle. OK?

BARRY CRYER:

Was it two nudges, Humph?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What?

BARRY CRYER:

Two nudges?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Two nudges, was it?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Two nudges.

BARRY CRYER:

Two! Oh, right.

GRAEME GARDEN:

And District and Circle, they're both trump lines, are they?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You said there was one line. Are they taken as one, the two of them?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Where they-, where they're contiguous.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Dum-de-dum-de-dee da-da-da ..... Tim, will you-, Will you start, please, Tim?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, if I've got the rules right, um, Queens- ..... No, um, Oxford Circus.

BARRY CRYER:

Warren Street.

JEREMY HARDY:

Palmers Green.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ohhhh, well, er, that's, er, two nudges .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You're- You're not the poke holder, though.

BARRY CRYER:

That's a nudge gone already!

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, but there are other players with the poke holder.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's true.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ermm, and that allows me-, well, one nudge anyway, er .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

..... to Swiss Cottage! (audience 'oooh' and applause)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I'll go Green Park.

BARRY CRYER:

Great Portland Street! (audience 'oooh', murmur and clapping)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh!

JEREMY HARDY:

Ahhh, oh! oh! oh! ah! Stepney Green. (audience clapping)

BARRY CRYER:

What?!

JEREMY HARDY:

Stepney Green!!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Stepney Green.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I thought we'd disallowed that.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No.

JEREMY HARDY:

What??

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, come on.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's the parabola.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What do you-

BARRY CRYER:

Come on!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What do you mean "we" disallowed that.

GRAEME GARDEN:

The parabola.

BARRY CRYER:

Ref! Oh, the parabola .....

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Explain what do you mean by quot;we" disallowed that.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It was-, it was-, it was the royal "we"-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

There's only one person who disallows anythings around here.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It was the royal "we" on your behalf.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

(pause) Ahhhh ..... Yes, we have.

JEREMY HARDY:

All right, then. Um-.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You're playing this-

JEREMY HARDY:

Holland Park.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh yes.

GRAEME GARDEN:

The Angel.

JEREMY HARDY:

Holland Park.

GRAEME GARDEN:

The Angel.

BARRY CRYER:

Yes.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes.

BARRY CRYER:

Yes, yes, yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

OK, Dollis Hill?

GRAEME GARDEN:

The Angel ..... Elephant and Castle.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Which?

GRAEME GARDEN:

The Elephant and Castle Angel as opposed to any other Angel.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Umm, oh Lord, .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, sorry, Archway.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, oh, should have got in quickly there. Oh, Osterley.

BARRY CRYER:

Mornington Crescent!! (audience cheer)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Are "we" going to allow that?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

No.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens with some uncertainty on Oxford Circus, setting a tone the game;
• Jeremy Hardy invents a fictional 'Palmers Green', using one nudge;
• Graeme Garden is allowed to Swiss Cottage;
• Barry Cryer plays fast and tight throughout;
• The game spreads out in the closing stages with long moves to Archway and Osterley;
• Barry Cryer declares Mornington Crescent.