I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
5th December 2005 broadcast

The Venue:

The Brighton Dome, Brighton, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jack Dee

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

Before we start, I notice that our first Christmas card has arrived - and that the postal service is getting slower than ever. The card comes from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Yoko Ono, is it true your name is Japanese for "One Egg"? Sayonara for now, Mrs Trellis. p.s. I swear by your soap powder.

And on with the game, and this week we will be playing an exciting and highly skilled variant entitled Speed Mornington Crescent in which players must complete their moves within a strict time limit. Each player has been provided with a special clock which he must activate when it's his turn to make a move, and deactivate when he's made his move. In the unlikely event that the time elapses before a move is made, that player is ELIMINATED! (audience 'oooh') Stations are high in this game, of course. And I'd like you to start, Tim, so please activate your clock - NOW!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

(clock is started and begins to tick)
Erm, you said stations-are-high, is that right?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Stations are high, yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Stations are high, right. Euston -ah- Road?
(clock is stopped)

BARRY CRYER:

Ooh, right .....
(clock is started and begins to tick)
Here we go. Euston Road, Euston Ro-, oh boy, time, time, sand's running out. Ad-, d-, d-, North Acton!
(clock is stopped)
Ooh, close!

JACK DEE:

(clock is started and begins to tick)
Right, well, if stations are high .....

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah.

JACK DEE:

..... er, Marble Arch. (audience 'oooh')
(clock is stopped)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, no.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Nowww, I'm thinking of ..... starting the clock. Erm-
(clock is started and begins to tick)
Stations are high. I'll ..... go for - Victoria.
(clock is stopped)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

(clock is started and begins to tick)
I think what I'm going to do is go for Finchley-, no, no, I don't know about that. Platt's Lane.
(clock is stopped)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

(audience applause) Yeah, I was a bit lucky, yeah. Just-, I have to admit that was luck.

BARRY CRYER:

Right. Here I go with the clock ..... (clock is started and begins to tick)
St. John's- (alarm rings!)
Oh no!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Barry, you're out.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh!

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, right.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Carry on-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

So, Jack-?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Carry on, Jack.

JACK DEE:

Thank you.
(clock is started and begins to tick)
Er, Embankment.
(clock is stopped)

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhhh.

JACK DEE:

(audience applause) Yes, indeed.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Now this audience knows a good Mornington Crescent when they hear.

GRAEME GARDEN:

(clock is started and begins to tick)
Right, now I can do St. John's- (alarm rings!)
Oh!

BARRY CRYER:

Ahhhh! Ahh, dear God!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, it's-

BARRY CRYER:

You clockteaser!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

OK, Graeme, you're out.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Well, it's between Jack and myself then, is it not?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's between you and your teammate.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

OK, so-
(clock is started and begins to tick)
OK. Well, I think I've got to go with ..... Pattison Road, I think.
(clock is stopped)

JACK DEE:

Ooh, which, er-, Pattison Road, ay-
(clock is started and begins to tick)
Berwick Street.
(clock is stopped)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ooh, very good.

JACK DEE:

Thank you.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Errm-
(clock is started and begins to tick)
Parsons- (alarm rings!)
Oh! Ohhh-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Tim! Tim, you're out of it.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh no, the shame of it!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Carry on, Jack.

JACK DEE:

I've, er, then-
(clock is started and begins to tick)
Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

We now move on to a round that takes a look at the world of- (alarm rings!)

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens slyly on Euston Road;
• Barry Cryer plays out to North Acton - his only play within the time limit;
• Jack Dee slides neatly back along the Central line;
• Graeme Garden boldly drops down on to Victoria - his only move before the alarm;
• Tim and Jack alternate moves between Cricklewood and the West End;
• Jack Dee declares Mornington Crescent.