I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
20th November 2006 broadcast

The Venue:

Southport Theatre, Southport, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jeremy Hardy

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the Mornington Crescent Weblog that we've received nearly seven thousand hits this week, which means catapults are making a comeback. We also received this postcard from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Debretts, can you tell me the correct way to address an Anglican bishop? I've got him wrapped up but I don't know where to stick the label. Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis.

This week, teams, as we're in Southport we'll play a version of the game enjoyed by Emperor Napoleon III of France during his time here in exile. As you know, it's called Mornington Croissant. The game still follows the Standard English Ancient and Modern Rules, with a few typically-French modifications. Chalk Farm or Shepherd's Bush gain the player a three-move subsidy, and as you'd expect the mention of any mainline station will cause the succeeding player to miss a turn, or 'go on strike'. Tim, you can start.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ummm, Frognal Lane.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Very good.

BARRY CRYER:

Raynes Park.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ooh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

JEREMY HARDY:

Parsons Green.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ooh, you've been practising, haven't you?

JEREMY HARDY:

Mmm.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Erm, er, Parsons Green, oh, no, Piccadilly? Piccadilly. Piccadilly? .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Don't think you can-

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, yes.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You can't confer.

GRAEME GARDEN:

I wasn't conferring. I was just asking Barry.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes, I-, I see your point.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm. Terribly sorry, I didn't realise it ..... Er, Piccadilly. (lone cheer from the audience) Yes! You see? Barry agrees.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Piccadilly? Hmmm.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Falling into it .....

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Chalk Farm.

BARRY CRYER:

Shepherd's Bush.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

JEREMY HARDY:

O-kay.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's wh-

JEREMY HARDY:

Tooting Broadway. (audience 'oooh' and applause)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

But that's-

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah. Ohhh. Yeah, that seems clever but ..... Temple.

JEREMY HARDY:

Bastard!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Square?

BARRY CRYER:

Oh boy.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, well .....

BARRY CRYER:

St. Pancras.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yep, yep.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Ha-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ah, you miss-

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What? What? What?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You miss a turn.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

That's a mainline station.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh. Ahhhh.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

And as I said before, the succeeding player has to miss a turn.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, right.

JEREMY HARDY:

That's me!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

As nobody's succeeded we'll carry on.

JEREMY HARDY:

Ahhh, Arnos Grove.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Clapham. Common.

JEREMY HARDY:

Awwww.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh gosh. Erm .....

BARRY CRYER:

He will! He will!

GRAEME GARDEN:

He will. He will! He'll go for it. He will!

BARRY CRYER:

He will.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Platt's Lane.

GRAEME GARDEN:

He did!

BARRY CRYER:

Mornington Croissant! (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah!! Ha ha ha!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens on Frognal Lane, a classic French modification;
• Jeremy Hardy, after some early exchanges, plays to Tooting Broadway, which seems clever;
• Graeme Garden confidently returns to Temple;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor invents a 'Mornington Square' and somehow gets away with it;
• Barry Cryer plays a mainline station - as nobody is succeeding, nobody misses a turn;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor goes for Platt's Lane;
• Barry Cryer declares Mornington Crescent.