I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
4th December 2006 broadcast

The Venue:

Victoria Palace Theatre, London, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Rob Brydon

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first-, first I notice from the huge number of letters which showered in on us this week, that the Scrabble factory has blown up again, and that we've received this postcard from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mrs McCartney, oh dear, what a mess, you must be kicking-, you must be kicking yourself.

OK, on with the game, and as you'd expect we'll be playing the Standard Metropolitan Version today. However, as a concession to Rob Brydon who's still a relative novice we'll keep things as simple as possible, so Rule 2 is suspended and prime move triangulations can be made only within a lateral orbit. Tim, will you start, please?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

St. Martin's Lane.

BARRY CRYER:

Victoria Street

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, it's Rule 2 suspended.

BARRY CRYER:

Rule 2?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, God, yes, sorry, right .....

ROB BRYDON:

It must be a lateral orbit, which Humph did say quite clearly.

BARRY CRYER:

No, hang on, hang on.

ROB BRYDON:

Now you're just hightlighting the fact that we've had to do this because I'm here.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yep.

BARRY CRYER:

Erm, Birdcage Walk.

ROB BRYDON:

Embankment.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, dear, ah, no .....

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well .....

BARRY CRYER:

Calm him down.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's verging on lateral, isn't it? That's verging on lateral.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, we'll get out of it, it's OK.

ROB BRYDON:

Well then .....

BARRY CRYER:

Well, yeah, verging on it.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Verging on lateral.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

He hasn't played many games.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well that's why he'd not very good at it, obviously. I don't know, that's .....

BARRY CRYER:

Only just got away with that.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Stockwell. Stockwell, probably.

ROB BRYDON:

Baker Street.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's actually my turn, so .....

ROB BRYDON:

I'm a bag of nerves.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

But you were right. I'm going to say Ba-

BARRY CRYER:

Baker Street?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

And I think Rob is right. Baker Street.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well, no, hang on.

BARRY CRYER:

Wait a minute. Triangulations? Were you listening?

GRAEME GARDEN:

I think you've been seduced by Rob's coltish enthusiasm here.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You-, you could be right.

BARRY CRYER:

What was the ruling on Baker Street, then? Humph, did you rule on Baker Street?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Listen-

BARRY CRYER:

I wasn't in the building at the time.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

This is my rest period.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

So carry on, Barry.

BARRY CRYER:

Wigmore Street.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's it, that's it.

ROB BRYDON:

Are we stacking the perpendicular?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Is that some euphemism for something?

ROB BRYDON:

'cause I think we are, and I'll say Hounslow Central.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, very good!

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, no!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, that's-, no- ..... (audience applause)

BARRY CRYER:

Fair play. Fair play. Very nice.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ahem, yeah, fair play. Erm, (ahem) Camden Town.

BARRY CRYER:

G-, excellent.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Metropolitan Rules. Standard. Obvious. (Cough) Your move.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Dollis Hill.

BARRY CRYER:

Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens centrally at St. Martin's Lane;
• Barry Cryer makes an early Rule 2 error but plays safe to Birdcage Walk;
• Rob Brydon plays to Embankment without due consideration for the lateral;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor plays to Baker Street, encouraging Rob Brydon, but neglecting the triangulation;
• Barry Cryer calls Wigmore Street and the game is all but won;
• Rob Brydon spots the stacked perpendicular and rallies slightly with Hounslow Central;
• Barry Cryer declares Mornington Crescent.