Half Man Half Biscuit -
"All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit"
In 1986, Birkenhead band Half Man Half Biscuit - punk ethic purveyors of satire, social commentary, parody and angst - released their debut single, "The Trumpton Riots". On the B-side was the now legendary track, "All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit": the finest study of adolescent obsession, frustration, rivalry, violence and table football ever to grace the wrong side of a bit of vinyl.
The title is a play on Dora Bryan's
"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth".
The 7" single was subsequently expanded to an EP, which in turn later appeared as extra tracks on the "Back In The D.H.S.S." CD, issued on the Probe Plus label (CD PROBE 4).
The first section below reproduces the lyrics to the song from the "Back In The D.H.S.S. / The Trumpton Riots E.P." CD, and includes a handy glossary of terms for those not in the know.
The second article originally appeared in the ultra-conservative Daily Mail national newspaper on 2nd September 2000 under the headline "Czech shirts so fashionable with punks", within their 'Answers To Correspondents' section.
The third section provides links to a few web sites with information about the modern Dukla Prague.
There was one in the gang who had Scalextric
And because of that he thought he was better than you
Everyday after school you would go round there to play it
Hoping to compete for some kind of championship
But it always took about fifteen billion hours to set the track up
And even when you did the thing never seemed to work
It was a dodgy transformer again and again
A dodgy transformer again and again
It was a dodgy transformer again and again
A dodgy transformer that cost three pound ten
So he'd send his doting mother up the stairs with the stepladders
To get the Subbuteo out of the loft
He had all the accessories required for that big match atmosphere
The crowd and the dugout and the floodlights too
You'd always get palmed off with a headless centre forward
And a goalkeeper with no arms and a face like his
And he'd managed to get hold of a Dukla Prague away kit
'cause his uncle owned a sports shop and he'd kept it to one side
And after only five minutes you'd be down to ten men
'cause he'd sent off your right back for taking the base from under his left winger
And come to half time you were losing four-nil
Each and every goal a hotly disputed penalty
So you'd smash up the floodlights and the match was abandoned
And the dog would bark and you'd be banned from his house
And your travelling army of synthetic supporters
Would be taken away from you and thrown in the bin
Now he's working in a job with a future
He hands me my giro every two weeks
And me I'm on the lookout for a proper transformer .....
What is .....? ready reference guide and links
SCALEXTRIC: racing game for children in which model cars with a small electric motor are raced against each other on a rubber track with two parallel grooves containing metal rails which carry an electric current, guiding the cars by means of a "gimbal" wheel that was suspended beneath them.
Scalextric (www.scalextric.com/)
SUBBUTEO: table football game for children in which small figurines with semi-spherical bases are flicked at a ball to propel it forward, attacking an opponent's goal which is defended by a goalkeeper figure with a rod attached to the back of its base, extending through the back of the goal, allowing manipulation to save shots.
Subbuteo.start4all.com - links (subbuteo.start4all.com/)
GIRO: state benefit payment, such as unemployment benefit (now pointlessly renamed the "Jobseeker's Allowance"), it is described in politician's bullshit-speak as "a welfare benefit for unemployed jobseekers who are actively seeking work, are capable of work, and are available for work."
Jobseekers Allowance - a survival guide (www.urban75.com/Action/Jsa/jsa1.html)
Punk group Half Man Half Biscuit had a legendary B-side, All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit. Do Dukla Prague exist and what is their away kit like?
 The Legendary Dukla Prague Away KitThe name Dukla recalls a World War II battle at Dukla Pass in Slovakia where Czechoslovak and Soviet troops defeated occupying Nazi forces in 1945. Dukla Prague football team was established by the Czech Ministry of Defence in 1948.
The team won their country's First Division championship 11 times and finished runners-up seven times. Its famous players include Josef Masopust, European Footballer of the Year in 1962, and Zdenek Nehoda, who won a record 90 caps for his country.
Due to government links, the team could afford to ignore the transfer market when it needed new players and simply draw on the large resources of the armed forces.
But their predominance suffered after 1989 when clubs such as Sparta Prague acquired major sponsors. None of the new enterprises would touch Dukla, which was tainted by its communist past.
By the end of the 1993-4 season, Dukla had slipped to the third division and was forced to sell off players; its spectators barely outnumbered the stadium staff.
The team's saviour, entrepreneur Bohumil Duricko, made the first move to restore Dukla's former glories by buying second division FC Pribram, merging the teams and appropriating the latter's spot in the higher league.
Dukla Pribram, with a cash injection, returned to the first division, finishing sixth last season. This year, under another new name, FC Marila Pribram, they were beaten by Aston Villa in the InterToto Cup.
At the time of the song (1986) the away shirt was gold with maroon arms and trim and a large Dukla Praha badge in the middle. The home shirt was the reverse - maroon with gold arms.
Gerard Wood, Liverpool.
At the Old Fashioned Football Shirt Company, where we have recreated nearly 700 different replica football shirts from as far back as 1885, the most popular old fashioned strip for a British Club is Arsenal's.
One of the most popular overseas shirts is Dukla Prague's, which has acquired cult status and is very popular with stag trips and amateur teams.
We got our information about Dukla Prague from a Tottenham Hotspur Football Club programme from February 26, 1962, when Spurs played Dukla in the European Cup quarter final. The team were pictured with their strip of mainly dark red with amber trimmings.
In the Eighties, when Half Man Half Biscuit recorded their song, the strip had changed to amber/yellow with red trimmings.
Chris Kee, The Old Fashioned Football Shirt Company,
Gateshead, Tyne and Wear.
Czech Teletext:
(Second Division)
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