In a country whose people are among the poorest in all southeast Asia, it might seem insensitive or crass to complain about the service standards in a four star luxury resort and spa. That such elitist establishments even exist must surely rankle with the local populations in whose midst they appear, and for whom they are utterly inaccessible unless it is to perform menial tasks for spoiled foreigners. On his travels abroad, Phespirit never pursues luxury for its own sake. As long as he has a place to eat, sleep and wash without risk to his person or his possessions, then he is content. When he visited Laos, however, the choice of hotels was out of his hands. Accordingly, he found himself booked into the Villa Santi Resort & Spa in Luang Prabang - a resort with clear pretensions to the highest international standards of luxury. And so it is, therefore, that Phespirit now proceeds with his diatribe.

Built in splendid isolation about five kilometres outside Luang Prabang, the resort's location is not ideal. By contrast, in appearance - its overall layout and design - the resort is first class. The architect and grounds keepers are to be afforded great credit. Accommodation is arranged in tastefully discrete blocks, each containing eight spacious suites with balconies overlooking exquisitely landscaped gardens. When Phespirit arrived, a man was devoting his complete concentration to trimming a hedge with tiny clippers. Superficially everything was perfect. Operationally, however, Phespirit was to find that almost every aspect of service that required human thought or care was a shambles.

Management incompetence

Provision of Information - Villa Santi Resort & Spa is not to be confused with the similarly-named Villa Santi Hotel. The latter is its sister establishment, conveniently located in the heart of the city. Prospective visitors might reasonably assume that the main difference between these two establishments is that the Villa Santi Resort & Spa has, well, a spa. On arrival at the resort, visitors might also assume they would be able to discover where the spa is located, what time it opens, what facilities are on offer, and so forth, but Phespirit could find no such information in the reception area. Neither could he find information in any of the folders or papers in his room. He went to the swimming pool area, to the nearby building that looked a bit spa-like, but he could find no information in the vicinity of the building itself, and no-one to ask. So Phespirit did not use the spa.
The Shuttle Bus Timetable - For an out of town resort, a shuttle bus to the centre can be among the most vital complimentary services. Such a service is indeed provided, shuttling between the Hotel and the Resort & Spa nine times a day, but look at the departure times:
- From the Hotel: 8:30, 9:30, 11:00, 13:00, 16:00, 17:00, 18:30, 21:00, 22:30
- From the Resort & Spa: 9:00, 10:00, 11:30, 13:30, 16:30, 18:00, 19:00, 21:30, 22:45
What's the problem here? Almost all the patrons of the Resort & Spa are tourists using organised tour itineraries. At the end of each full day, these tours generally drop their customers back in the centre of Luang Prabang at around 18:00, just as the night market opens for business. The trouble is this: if a tourist just wants to look around the market before returning to the Resort & Spa, they either have to dash around in less than half an hour, before all the stalls have been set up, to catch the 18:30, or eke it out for a full three hours and catch the 21:00. Alternatively, if they want to return to the Resort & Spa for a shower and change of clothes before spending an evening in the city, then they have just ten minutes between the arrival of the 18:30 and the departure of the 19:00. The next departure is 21:30. Either way, it's a woeful system.

Facilities incompetence

The Kettles - A nice cup of tea will make everything better. So put the kettle on, sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. Indeed, be prepared to wait anything between forty minutes and one hour for kettles to boil water at the Villa Santi Resort & Spa, if the testimonies of more than one aspiring tea-drinker are to be believed.
One Man's Fridge - In the grand tradition of English eccentrics, one resident at the resort was travelling around Asia with blocks of cheese so that he could make his own sandwiches. And why not? Each room in the resort is equipped with its own fridge so, reasonably enough, he expected that this would be the best place to store items that needed to be kept cold, thereby preventing them going off. Not so in the Villa Santi Resort & Spa. In the Villa Santi Resort & Spa, in this gentleman's room, the temperature inside the fridge was higher than the ambient temperature outside.

Kitchen incompetence

Room Service - Information is not lacking here. A full room service menu, in English, is provided in each room. The menu lists the food available, with clear descriptions, prices and ordering codes. All one has to do is dial the telephone number for Room Service and place an order. That is all. So, Phespirit checked into the hotel at midday and decided to order a sandwich before heading off out again in the afternoon. He dialled Room Service. There was ringing at the other end and the phone was answered.

"Hello, is this Room Service?"
"Yes."
"I would like to order a sandwich."
"Sorry?"
"May I order a sandwich?"
"Sorry?"
"Is this the number for Room Service?"
"I don't know."
"O.K. ....."

Phespirit put the phone down. That had been an unusual conversation. He tried again, and had slightly better luck. A different male voice answered and Phespirit was able to go through the full ordering process. As soon as he had finished, the voice said: "One moment, please." A brief silence was followed by a woman's voice saying: "Hello, can I help you, sir?" So Phespirit went through his order all over again for the benefit of this third person. At last his order was taken and, in fairness, it arrived fairly swiftly and tasted good, so Phespirit gave them the benefit of the doubt and decided to try the service again for an evening meal. He dialled the number, a male voice answered, and with encouragement Phespirit went through his complete order. The voice said: "One moment, please." A brief silence was followed by a woman's voice saying: "Hello, can I help you, sir?" Thus, it was with a profound sense of déjà vu that Phespirit went through his order all over again.

A sucker for punishment, the next day Phespirit had one last attempt at ordering an evening sandwich. He went through the now familiar ritual of reading out the full order to whomever answered the phone, before going through it all over again with a second person; and then he settled down to watch some football on television while he waited for it to arrive. A full half of the match was played with no sign of his sandwich. Phespirit left it an hour before allowing his patience to run out completely. He contemplated phoning again, but realised that this would probably bring little satisfaction. Instead he pulled on his Resort & Spa complimentary slippers and tramped off down to the restaurant. He arrived with a head full of steam but no real stomach for a public argument. He waited a minute as he cast around for someone suitable to confront and, as he did so, out from kitchen came a porter with what looked like Phespirit's order. Phespirit asked, "Is that the sandwich for room 306?" On receiving the affirmative answer, he simply took it and departed without another word. As he did, he could hear the waiters laughing at him behind his back .....
The Wine List - Why persist with Room Service? Why not just eat at the restaurant? One sultry night, Phespirit sat down for a meal in the restaurant and was given the drinks menu to peruse. Being a wino, Phespirit turned directly to the wine list. A hot night called for a cool drink, and as he was planning on ordering chicken (despite the Bird Flu warnings he'd seen in Vientiane), he naturally looked to the white wines. He made his selection, the waiter came over, Phespirit placed his order and was told:

"Sorry, we don't have any."
"You don't have any of this wine?"
"We don't have any white wine at all. Only red."

Phespirit didn't stick around. At least with room service, meals can be taken with a preferred bottle brought back from the city. When the meal eventually arrives, that is.

Reception incompetence

The Safe - The coup de grâce: checking out. A bus was due to collect Phespirit from the reception area at 9:30am and take him to Luang Prabang airport in time for his 12:40pm flight to Vientiane. The final act of his stay at the Villa Santi Resort & Spa would be to retrieve his valuables from the hotel safe, e.g. passport, flight tickets, spare cash, malaria tablets, and so on. He arrived at reception in good time, at 9:00am, but was told there was a slight problem. They couldn't open the safe at that precise moment, but "Someone is coming". Phespirit withdrew to his room, finished his packing, and returned twenty minutes later. Other guests were waiting in reception now, all in the same predicament of needing their valuables so they could get to the airport in time for their flight. Still the safe wouldn't open. Still "Someone is coming".

Half past nine came and went with no sign of a resolution. By now the doors to the back room had been flung open to the public gaze so guests could witness for themselves the frankly pathetic attempts by various resort employees to break into their own safe. Inept reception staff kept waggling the safe handle and pushing an assortment of implements into the lock - an approach that could only have made things worse. It was then revealed that the fiasco had been going on since seven o'clock that morning. The position suddenly looked much more precarious. Phespirit was now well on course to miss his flight and had already been told there were no spare seats on any other flight out of Luang Prabang that day. With another early flight arranged for the next day, the latest he could have left it would have been seven in the evening, which would then have given him just enough time for a nine-hour overnight roadtrip all the way south to Vientiane. Any other outcome would have meant an end to all his plans. It would have become impossible to visit Cambodia.

At 9:45am, who should arrive: the village safe-cracker with his small case of tools. The resort's handyman had already turned up with his hammer and chisel but, mercifully, was never given a chance to put them to use. The Cracker tried the basics, wiggled the safe handle ..... no result. He tried again ..... no result. Phespirit walked away in despair. He was sitting mournfully on the steps outside when, at around ten o'clock, he heard a loud cheer go up in reception. The Cracker had evidently cracked it, thank Buddha. Phespirit quickly gathered his things together and, pausing only to throw a customer feedback form at the receptionists, he boarded his bus and was away to the airport. He reflected that in the long list of potential problems to guard against when travelling abroad, he could now add: 'locking valuables in a hotel safe that no-one can open'.

Most of the grumbles above would not be worth a mention on their own, but when brought together they paint a picture of organisational and operational incompetence that, if nothing else, provided sufficient motivation for Phespirit to write this diatribe. Something he's never done before. And he hasn't even started on the short mosquito net, and what could well have been flecks of dried blood on his shower curtain .....

Phespirit thoroughly enjoyed visiting Luang Prabang. He would love to return there some day, and he would strongly commend both the city of Luang Prabang and the whole country of Laos to anyone planning a tour around southeast Asia. Just be aware if considering a stay at the Villa Santi Resort & Spa. Luxury isn't everything.

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